Ms. Success

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

At first, I wanted boys.

I came to this conclusion not because I was thinking about bugs and baseball and constant rough-and-tumbling and all the other entrapments that come with boy-dom, but because girl-dom is so scary. Having girls meant having to deal with body image issues, and catty backstabbing "friends," and Barbies, and fights over what your daughters are allowed to wear, and hormonal rollercoasters, and a culture that tells your daughters that their net worth basically boils down to how they look.

Nuh-uh. I had enough of that growing up, thankyouverymuch.

But God, in God's exceeding wisdom, decided not to give me what I wanted. I got a girl. And now, two years later, I've got another one on the way.

It's only in hindsight that I can really get a grasp on the blessing of this. Because now, I'm sincerely, truly, incredibly happy for girls.

I think the crux of it is that I've figured out a lot about myself in the last few years, and that feels different and exciting. I think I devoted the first 25 years of my life to being this picture-perfect person that I imagined in my head, the one I built up as Ms. Success. Ms. Success made straight A's. Ms. Success had a fabulous job. Ms. Success was devastatingly thin and beautiful. All the boys liked Ms. Success. Ms. Success did everything right. Everything.

I don't really think this sort of fantasy is particularly unusual for a girl/woman to chase. Luckily for me, being Ms. Success was unattainable. Or more specifically, I realized that being Ms. Success was unattainable.

So here I am, going on four years without a "real" job, and not really owning any skinny jeans that I hope to squeeze back into after this pregnancy is over.

Probably, this is the happiest I've ever been.

I feel like I'm finally coming into my own, realizing what it is I need and how I function best and who I am. I'm trying hard to put aside the perfectionism and realizing what just makes my life run smoothest. Things like: writing, and not getting so caught up in the perfectionism that I erase every sentence before it can go anywhere. Or like: enjoying all kinds of food, healthy and unhealthy alike. Or like: focusing on the important relationships in my life, and not worrying when not everybody likes me. Or like: having dance parties after dinner.

And I'm excited to have girls, because I want them to know that Ms. Success is a total phantom, and they don't need to Be Her in order to Be Happy.

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